I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
