life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize