You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
