youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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