Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
