Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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