i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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