her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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