I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
