THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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