Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize