i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
