Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
