WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
