we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
