im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
