i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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