My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
