seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
