is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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