Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
