Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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