Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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