Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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