I hate your face
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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