I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
