Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
