WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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