So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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