i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
