Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
