She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize