If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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