She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
