I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
