I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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