You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
