Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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