Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
