I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
