on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
