you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
