My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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