Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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