My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
