you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Walk of Shame today included voting.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
