Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
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