i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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