My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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