I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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