she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
