my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
love makes seman taste better
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
