Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
