i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
