Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
