im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
