My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
