Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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