im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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